Terrible Films That You Can’t Look Away From

There is little out there more insufferable than the concept of liking things ironically, which is probably why hipsters are so generally reviled.

"I was reviled before it was cool."

“I was reviled before it was cool.”

That said, there can be a certain pleasure from watching films that are so incomprehensibly bad that they become entertaining for that fact alone.  So gather your pack of wisecracking millennial friends, crack open a PBR, and divide your attention between your smartphones and the TV, all while absorbing these films that are impossible to completely ignore, unlike your last couple of Tinder dates.

"It's just us and a thousand of our closest friends!"

“It’s just us and a thousand of our closest friends!”

Battlefield Earth

battlefield earth films

You know what they say; if you’re going to lead, then lead with your best.  Battlefield Earth is certainly not the best, in fact, it’s probably the worst.  This piece of nightmare fuel is directly responsible for bankrupting Franchise Pictures, torpedoing Barry Pepper’s career, and introducing the term “man-animal” into the lexicon, which is by far the worst offense.

John Travolta, on the other hand, was allowed to continue making quality films like Old Dogs and Wild Hogs.

John Travolta, on the other hand, was allowed to continue making quality films like Old Dogs and Wild Hogs.

The “plot” (which is taking extreme liberties with the English language), centers around a race of aliens that have enslaved humans to mine for gold, and the inevitable human resistance, because of course.  Amazing technical shots include terrible PowerPoint-esqe screen fade techniques, and CGI that makes a Sega Saturn game look stellar by comparison.  In other words, a humorless race of alien Goldfingers badly recreate the scenario from Planet of the Apes, with none of the charm.

“While You Were Still Learning How to Spell Your Name, I Was Being Trained to Conquer Galaxies!” - Actual Quote

“While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies!” – Actual Quote

Vampire’s Kiss

vampires kiss films

Nicolas Cage has been very good at providing the internet with enough strange films and facial expressions to create meme macros until the inevitable heat death of the universe.  A solid half of those images come from 1988’s Vampire’s Kiss.  This is simply one of those films that must be seen to be believed.  Highlights include Cage running up and down the street screaming “I’m a vampire,” Cage eating a live cockroach, and Cage aggressively reciting the alphabet like the world’s most frustrated kindergarten teacher.

cage films

“Ya don’t say!”

The Foreigner

the foreigner filmsWe were thinking about adding Face/Off, but this list was a little Travolta and Cage heavy.  So here it is, quite possibly the worst Steven Seagal film on record and there are a lot to choose from.  For a genuinely baffling 96 minutes, the plot of this film meanders about, leaving more questions than answers upon first viewing.  How this thing even got made is truly amazing, with it’s videogame-logic style hidden traps and weapon drops, dialogue that fails to advance the plot a single micron, and it’s random slo-mo violence, because, why not.  Fun fact for fans of The Foreigner: this thing actually cost twenty million real dollars, and was so bad that it was released direct to video, yet somehow spawned a sequel.  We also may have bought a copy because this is just one of those terrible films you actually have to own.

Poor guy had to take a second job.

Poor guy had to take a second job.

About author View all posts

Brendan